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December 23, 2012
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Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
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It was a cupped and caked coincidence
how she could captivate a heated room with her overflow;
her crisp lips' brimming capacity.
The last words to cross them,
a batter of over-whipped thoughts
that would tastelessly toughen if ever exposed to air -

but she'd spill ill measurements anyway
into silver hollows
sprayed with protection and flavor.

A greased burn,
floating in flute juice,
was the crumb in pink underpants.
















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:iconneurotype:
^neurotype Mar 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Overall I love the flow in this, I'm surprised it's not in the spoken word category as it would read well out loud.

Two lines I found awkward, though: "sprayed with protection and flavor" and the last one.
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:iconthemadmulatto:
Hmmm... *thinking*

awkward because it doesn't make sense in meaning
or awkward in the way it falls (beat-wise) and where?
Reply
:iconneurotype:
^neurotype Mar 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
The way those lines sound. There's this rhythm that's easy to say and goes nice and fast up until those lines, but I found them jarring. They are perfectly sensible lines, though.
Reply
:iconthemadmulatto:
Oh yeah, I see what you mean.
I keep an eye out for that kind of thing
but sometimes the need to adhere to the beat of the flow
derails me.
I appreciate the comment. It helps a lot! :tribute:
Reply
:iconneurotype:
^neurotype Mar 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Sure!

If you find the time to edit this, let me know :salute:
Reply
:iconthemadmulatto:
Thanks for so much consideration on my behalf
but I almost never change a piece this old...

everything I've posted here on dA stands on its own as a
monument of time & circumstantial influence upon me and the medium I used then.

Changing this piece now, when I don't plan on dragging this with me to the publishers
or any open mic would be useless;
moreover, it would mar the watermark of my development.

The one time I did edit a piece
that was over a year old,
the act itself never quite settled right with me.

Many thanks, though. :wave:
Reply
:iconneurotype:
^neurotype Mar 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:salute:
Reply
:iconthetaoofchaos:
`thetaoofchaos Jan 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I always enjoy your originality and unique approach towards poetic prose; a sort of semi-metered emphasis on compact imagery and spoke word rhythm . This is another fine example.
Reply
:iconthemadmulatto:
I'm so damn glad when the weird rhyme-flow I always fall into actually works.
I appreciate the hell out of your comment, man. :handshake:
Reply
:iconkeyanadrake:
*keyanadrake Dec 28, 2012  Professional Writer
*blink* I love how your words don't go to my conscious mind but to my unconscious mind. It's like a part of me understands what you're saying but that part refuses to let the conscious brain in on the joke.

Nice words, nice pacing... nice brain-fart-causing. :D
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