It was a cupped and caked coincidence how she could captivate a heated room with her overflow; her crisp lips' brimming capacity. The last words to cross them, a batter of over-whipped thoughts that would tastelessly toughen if ever exposed to air -
but she'd spill ill measurements anyway into silver hollows sprayed with protection and flavor.
A greased burn, floating in flute juice, was the crumb in pink underpants.
The way those lines sound. There's this rhythm that's easy to say and goes nice and fast up until those lines, but I found them jarring. They are perfectly sensible lines, though.
Oh yeah, I see what you mean. I keep an eye out for that kind of thing but sometimes the need to adhere to the beat of the flow derails me. I appreciate the comment. It helps a lot!
Thanks for so much consideration on my behalf but I almost never change a piece this old...
everything I've posted here on dA stands on its own as a monument of time & circumstantial influence upon me and the medium I used then.
Changing this piece now, when I don't plan on dragging this with me to the publishers or any open mic would be useless; moreover, it would mar the watermark of my development.
The one time I did edit a piece that was over a year old, the act itself never quite settled right with me.
I always enjoy your originality and unique approach towards poetic prose; a sort of semi-metered emphasis on compact imagery and spoke word rhythm . This is another fine example.
*blink* I love how your words don't go to my conscious mind but to my unconscious mind. It's like a part of me understands what you're saying but that part refuses to let the conscious brain in on the joke.
Two lines I found awkward, though: "sprayed with protection and flavor" and the last one.
awkward because it doesn't make sense in meaning
or awkward in the way it falls (beat-wise) and where?
I keep an eye out for that kind of thing
but sometimes the need to adhere to the beat of the flow
derails me.
I appreciate the comment. It helps a lot!
If you find the time to edit this, let me know
but I almost never change a piece this old...
everything I've posted here on dA stands on its own as a
monument of time & circumstantial influence upon me and the medium I used then.
Changing this piece now, when I don't plan on dragging this with me to the publishers
or any open mic would be useless;
moreover, it would mar the watermark of my development.
The one time I did edit a piece
that was over a year old,
the act itself never quite settled right with me.
Many thanks, though.
I appreciate the hell out of your comment, man.
Nice words, nice pacing... nice brain-fart-causing.